by Jesse Eisenberg
Let’s go Knicks!
But let’s also recognize the positive attributes of the opposing team!
Come on, Knicks! But please note that I’m supporting the Knicks because I live in the same city as the team’s arena, which is a distinction as arbitrary as what players are assigned to what team! That is, I could just as easily be supporting the other team were I to live in their arena’s city!
Melo, you suck! And in some cultures you would be revered for such behavior! The Yanomami tribe, for example, will affect a sucking motion to indicate safe passage to a neighboring tribe!
Ref, are you blind? If so, it would be amazing that you’ve been so accurately officiating up until this last play, which, for vantage reasons, appeared to me to be called incorrectly! Of course, I’m judging this as a layman and you have a far more appropriate view to fully evaluate what just occurred! I honor your craft and insight and, in a way, I value your incorrect calls! It means you’re human, and that’s healthy! Feel good about yourself and, in moments like this, remember how many calls you got right! The world is complicated!
DEFENSE! DEFENSE! But also, OFFENSE! OFFENSE! Lest we forget how quickly the offense becomes the defense! These frameworks are constantly in flux!
FOUL? Are you kidding me? If you are, I will say, simply, thank you! Laughter and joke-telling is healthy and can be used to convey messages that may otherwise be too difficult to express!
Get your head out of your ass, you must be the most flexible person I’ve ever seen!
Go for a three! I want to see this game go to overtime! I know it’s difficult to hear, but I believe there is a future for you both! Right now, you’re in the thick of it, you’re blinded by anger, which is normal and understandable! Frankly, I’d be surprised if you weren’t upset! The wounds haven’t yet healed!
There were flagrant fouls, yes! And there were missed opportunities! But there were good moments as well! The national anthem! The jump ball! The halftime show! These were good and right and real! And to discount these good moments is as irresponsible as to count only the bad moments!
In fact, may you both win, regardless of the score! What is a “score” anyway? An arbitrary number assigned in accordance with how many times a ball goes through a hoop? How silly compared to the amount of times you’ve overcome adversity together! Why don’t we count those times? Like when there was a loose ball, and everyone tried to pick it up, regardless of allegiance—there were no “teams” then! There were no egos! There was just a ball that needed picking up!
If we’re going to count the score, why not count smiles? Or pats on the back? Or simple gestures that tell the other person, “Hey, I get it”?
What’s that? I’m being kicked out of the game? Why? What’d I do?
I’m talking too much? I’m being too loud and ruining the experience for those around me?
Well, that’s perfectly understandable! Here we are trying to enjoy a sporting event, and I’m distracting everyone with my misguided enthusiasm, unending commentary, and meticulous analyses that conflict with the spirit of the game!
I can totally understand where you guys are coming from and I will leave on my own accord! In fact, I thank you for your blunt dismissal of me! I don’t think I deserve to explain my position, as my actions have already indicated my lack of regard for the other fans, the teams, and, frankly, the sport at large!
O.K., O.K., I’m leaving!
I hope you all enjoy the rest of the game! May the home team prevail! Or the visiting team! Or, if possible, may they both prevail by transcending the false notion of prevailing!
I love Jesse and his mastery of therapy speak.